Living intentionally Archives - Page 4 of 5

When wishing for the weekend becomes a way of life

Wednesdays are the hardest day of the week for me. Mondays tend to get a bad rap but I am not convinced they are really so bad.

On Monday I feel refreshed after having two days off. I usually have had more than eight hours sleep the night before, my feet aren’t aching from being stood on all day and most often, I still have the enthusiasm to pack a decent lunch.

But come Wednesday, I’ve got two days worth of dishes piling up in the sink, clothes strewn all over the floor and I can hardly keep my eyes open when I first wake up.

It takes every ounce of willpower I have to muster the strength to get out of bed.

On Wednesdays I always end up questioning what I am doing with my life. I am always especially critical of myself. And I always find myself beginning to long for the weekend.

That’s the way it goes.

We spend the weekdays longing for the weekend and we spend the weekend wishing the weekdays wouldn’t come too soon.

In my family we have a special term for that melancholy, Sunday night feeling. ‘Sundaytitis’ was the simultaneous feeling of contentment from a weekend of rest and sadness knowing that tomorrow work would begin again.

The truth is, I spend 5/7 days each week wishing my life away. Longing for the rest, joy and fullness I feel on the weekend.

But I don’t just do this with weekdays and Wednesdays either, I’m guilty of doing it with whole seasons of my life.

I constantly find myself wishing I could jump past the boring, stressful and painful parts of life and skip to the good bits. I want to fast forward. I want every day to feel like the weekend, like the first day of summer, like the beginning of a holiday.

Some days I feel the tears of frustration well up in my eyes because the reality is, we can’t fast forward. There is no skipping to the highlights.

We can’t avoid the Wednesdays, the crappy days and the just-plain-unfair-for-no-particular-reason days.

To get enjoy all of the wonderful times we must live through the bleak times as well.

Life is this infuriating balance of dull and beautiful, dark and light, work and rest. We need the contrast for completeness. We need the variety to keep up our momentum.

I feel this becomes apparently clear as the days are getting longer and the air is getting warmer.

Summer is romancing us with lavish sunshine and an abundance of blooms. It’s sweet and makes my soul happy but I know eventually I will tire of the relentless heat.

Soon the humidity will feel overwhelming and once again I’ll be longing for the coolness of winter.

We think winter is boring and cold. We are stuck inside and it gets dark far too early and getting out of bed is the worst torture known to man. But in reality, winter is a blessing.

A break from the play-filled summer months. A time for the leaves to die off and seeds to burrow down into the soil.

A necessary pause in the middle of the year to slow us down as we glide closer and closer to Christmas.

Wednesdays are the same. Smack bang in the middle. A chance to pause and catch our breaths.

Something my Granny always says is that getting old happens much faster than you could imagine. She often remarks that one day I’ll wake up and suddenly be her age wondering where my whole life went.

And every time she says this, I will smile and nod at her just like she did to her grandmother.

But I know she is right.

Time is no friend of the young.

I see the wrinkles appearing already. They start at the corner of your eyes, just when you smile and eventually the creases become permanent, etching outwards towards the tips of your ears.

Our time is so very precious. I don’t want to wish it away. I don’t want to get so caught up in longing for the next big thing that I miss what is right in front of me.

The wonder in every day. The delight in simply being alive. The gift of another day on this planet.

I want to do my best to make every day special. To make every day count. To feel I have participated in a worthy exchange; a day of my life for the laughter, love, and beauty shared.

This isn’t easy to do, given how hectic and complicated our lives get. I think it is a spiritual practice, something that takes discipline and a sense of gratitude.

An awareness of those elusive, divine moments that are sprinkled throughout every day. If we blink we might miss them, so we have to practice keeping our eyes and our hearts open and receptive to them.

Today might be dull. It might be dreary, rainy, slow or somber. But it is a day of your life that you will never get back.

So make it count. Search for the goodness, hope for more, keep gratitude at the centre of who you are.

Before you know it, you’ll be seventy five telling your grand daughter the very same thing.

P.S. If you are looking for a really excellent movie that focuses on the same idea as this post then check out ‘About Time.’ It’s one of my favourites!

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In Living intentionally

Letting go of control and making peace with uncertainty

There is a place for everything

and everything should be in its place.

Dinner comes before dessert.

Drinks served before dinner.

Jumpers should be folded.

Shirts should be hung.

Socks must be matching.

Shoes lined up beside the door.

Switches should be off when not in use.

Curtains should be drawn after the sun sets.

I find peace in rules and order.

I find rest in the harmony of precision.

There is no clutter I cannot tidy up.

No chaos I cannot return to calm.

But my rules they are a prison.

I am chained to them in fear.

Because I hate what is uncertain.

And I hide from what is not clear.

One of the most infuriating realities to stumble upon is a reminder of our lack of control.

We merrily amble through life, foolishly believing that we hold all of the keys to our future and we are in charge. But every now and then this fantasy is disrupted by an unfortunate event which leaves us teetering on our tiptoes.

With just a single phone call, a simple conversation, an unexpected, interruptance to our day we find ourselves very much in circumstances out of our control and it is utterly unnerving.

I find it particularly distressing as I am a grade A, run-of-the-mill, control freak.

I crave order, productivity and common sense. I am highly strung and up tight as they come. I need plans and certainty and I don’t work well if boundaries and guidelines aren’t clear.

I hate that off-kilter feeling that comes with wading into the unknown.

It has been a slow process but I am finally discovering how to let go of control and make peace with uncertainty.

I am learning how to delegate.

Because I can’t take responsibility for everything, I simply do not have the time nor energy. I know now that I really do need help and asking for it really isn’t as difficult as I once thought.

And when I do pass on the baton to someone else I am trying my best to release my grip completely. Forgoing the temptation to demand the task be done MY WAY.

So what if the potato wedges are cut thicker than I would have done them? Who cares if the laundry detergent is orange blossom scented instead of lavender?

I can see how silly it is to get caught up in the nitty-gritty details of life when the help I receive is worth so much more than the perfection I seek.

I am learning to be less possessive of the things that I own.

To share what I have with a generous spirit and to bite my tongue rather than remind the person to take great care with whatever it is that I loan them.

And when something breaks as it inevitably does, I am learning the art of shrugging my shoulders and saying, ‘oh well, it’s okay. Mistakes happen.’

Because things are not what are most important…people are.

I am learning how to go with the flow.

To appreciate that not everything need be done in a rush. Not every hour need be productive. Not every task need be completed today, THIS VERY MINUTE OR ELSE.

Taking the time to appreciate my coffee instead of gulping it down. Being flexible when people change plans. Accepting apologies and extending grace. These things are a sign of maturity.

See, I am learning to let go of control.

I am un-clenching my fists and extending open palms.

I am making peace with uncertainty.

Art and creativity have been healing for me.

There is nothing safe or certain when it comes to art. We often start creating without a plan or picture of where we are heading. The pieces fall into place as our paintbrushes strike the canvas and our fingers stroke the keys.

Perhaps this is why creating feels so risky to me. Every time I am breaking myself open and waiting to see what spills out.

It’s daunting even without an audience, but with a thousand eyes on me the feeling can be described as nothing short of terrifying.

Writing is painful in ways I cannot even express but it has cured me of my need for control.

Because as a writer I sometimes feel that I am under a spell. I am simply a messenger and how and when the words choose to come forth are not up to me.

There are days when I would love to publish something but try as I might, I cannot write a single word. And then almost arbitrarily there are days where I wake up before the sun and I’ve got so many ideas my fingers can hardly type them up fast enough.

So I have learnt that pressuring myself to write is no use. It’s as fruitless as trying to push toothpaste back into a tube once it has all been squeezed out.

Within all of us there is this pull to take control. A natural instinct that beckons us to bow to fear and wrestle for the reins.

But evolution calls for adaptability. There is no space for inflexibility.

To keep moving forwards we must let go of the monkey bars behind us. We must swing forward, stretch out a hand and hope with all of our hearts that someone thought to build another bar after the last.

It seems absurd and careless at times but in truth, abandoning the need for control is the most freeing feeling in the world.

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In Living intentionally

Facing up to the fear of rejection

I realized a long time ago that I am an introvert and not just that, but I am the worst kind of introvert.

A shy one.

For me, navigating social situations is as violent and harrowing an experience as walking across a minefield.

I come away feeling exhausted. The kind of tired that seems to stretch through your bones making you limp and lifeless.

As a child I remember the world feeling big and garish. Going new places or having to make new friends arose the same feeling inside of me as losing my mum in the supermarket. A wild-eyed, pursed-lipped panic.

I thought as I grew older the feeling would fade but I’ve carried the same trouble with me into adulthood.

The root of my shyness, as with most afflictions of the heart, is fear.

The fear that causes my voice to catch in my throat. The fear that suppresses my innate urge to love others. The fear that dulls the kaleidoscope of colours in this world.

The fear of rejection.

It has always plagued me. Sneakily crawling back into my life as it takes on new shapes and forms.

My fear of rejection causes me to shrink, inhibiting the hospitality that gives me life.

One of my greatest joys is welcoming people into our home.

I think that’s why I love food so much, because it brings us together. We gather around slices of pizza or steaming bowls of soup and we are united as one.

I’ve always hoped that someday I will be lucky enough to have a home with a gigantic kitchen and dining table so there will always be space to pull up one more chair.

But the desire to make people feel welcome, to talk to strangers and to make new friends is shadowed by this belief that they won’t like me.

So before they even tell me they have other plans or other friends I shut them out.

The fear of rejection has trampled all over romance in my life as well.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been infatuated with someone. Because loving feels as natural as breathing to me. I can hardly contain the swelling affection that sings within my heart.

But far too often I’ve found myself pining after someone for years because I’m so afraid that they won’t feel the same way about me.

Loving someone feels like far too much to ask. The risk of heartbreak seals my lips shut.

Rather than allow someone the chance to know and love me, I keep them at arm’s length and shy away from my feelings.

And in my day to day life, the fear of rejection makes conversations feel like an uphill battle.

I worry that my opinion won’t be heard or appreciated. I’m concerned that if I speak someone much more clever or witty will shut me down.

So I become disengaged. I smile and nod but do not venture to participate in the scene before me. I save my breath and try to take up as little space as possible.

Over the past month I’ve been unemployed and wrestling with this nagging feeling of unworthiness.

I have found myself withdrawing from my friends and wanting to hide rather than go out and be sociable and last night I finally figured out why that is.

Everywhere I go people ask me questions. What do I do? Where am I going? What is my plan?

And somewhere deep down I have this belief that what I do defines me. Right now I don’t do anything and therefore I feel like I don’t belong.

Without a plan, without a purpose, I am not valuable. I am not interesting. I am not worthy.

With every job application I send, I attach a little piece of myself to it. Every time they reject me or ignore me altogether, I get a little bit smaller.

The fear of rejection gains its power from the simple fact that we put our sense of worthiness in the wrong places.

We define ourselves by our career, by who we date, by the people we are friends with, by the shininess of our car and by the size of our clothing.

We fall into this same old trap time and time again.

We become crippled by shame. Overwhelmed by self-loathing. Infected with a lack of self worth. We shrink down and we shrivel up. We are wounded easily and we snap without warning.

But you know what, I’m so tired of being afraid.

I want to live fully. I want to love with my whole heart. I want to be actively engaged with life.

I need a reminder of who I am because I’m not too sure anymore.

Perhaps because it is so unbelievable that we could have any worth just by existing.

Maybe because of the subliminal messages we have received our whole lives that tell us we there is no elevator to success, we have to take the stairs.

But here is the truth…I matter because I AM, not because I DO.

You matter simply because you have life running through your veins and breath flowing in and out of your lungs.

We need not fear rejection because we already belong. We are valuable. We are loved.

Regardless of what others may say. Regardless of whether we fail or succeed. Regardless of whether we are picked first or last.

We are worthy.

It makes me feel needy that I require so much reassurance. But then I am reminded that I was created by a God who has an infinite capacity to fulfill this need.

So what a beautiful reunion it is when I place my heart back in His never-failing hands.

“If you look at the world, you will be distressed. If you look within, you will be depressed. If you look to God, you will find rest.” – Corrie ten Boom

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In Living intentionally

Being present in a distraction-filled world

I have always wanted to be one of those carefree, spontaneous people who lives in the moment. The kind of person who adroitly bounds from one adventure to the next. Who is thrilled with change, delighted with surprises, focused solely on the here and now.

That will never be me.

I have to fight for the here and now.

I have to wrestle with myself to stay grounded in the present.

Because introverts have this whole other world inside their heads. We wander up there frequently without anyone noticing and spend hours getting lost in our swirling thoughts and alluring dreams.

In my head I have this dream of myself in the future.

I’m sitting on a wooden swing beneath a grand oak tree in my garden. Bluebells and daffodils brim over in my planter boxes. The grass has been freshly mowed and the clippings lay in messy clumps all over the lawn.

We live in this perfect, old villa with rocking chairs on the front porch and hanging baskets swinging from the awning. Our mailbox has a blue roof and our fence is white and picket.

In summer I’m always out in the garden, watering can in hand, tending to my plants.

In autumn I sit on the porch sipping apple cinnamon-spiced tea and watching the leaves pile up in the front yard.

I can get lost in this daydream and lose all sense of time.

See, I have a heart that is spurred on by expectation. It beats a rhythm of longing. Constantly demanding more, never satisfied with what it has.

I am forever at war with myself.

I must fight for this moment. This one right here. Sitting at my kitchen table in my dressing gown, sipping coffee. I must force myself to meander back down outside of my head and become absorbed fully in appreciating the present.

And I’m not the only one.

Our modern lives are so cluttered with distractions.

Billboards on every corner, notifications from every app, adverts after every second song. Multitasking has become our second nature, we don’t know how to do just the one thing anymore.

While eating our breakfast, we are scrolling through our emails. While walking we are listening to podcasts. While having conversations we are having entirely different ones on our phones.

But I miss the eye contact. The face to face conversations. The careful, handwritten letters slipped into my mailbox.

Everything these days is so instant and hurried. I hardly ever feel seen or understood, nobody has the time.

Even when we are in one place, we wish we were in another. We watch the sunset through the lens of our cameras, we live our lives to upload on our Instastories, we’ve made a sport out of collecting memories and flashing them around for everyone else to see.

It feels so fake, so inauthentic, so exhausting to maintain.

Putting my phone down feels like a breath of fresh air. Now I hardly post on social media, it feels like I’m coming home, back to the real me. Without the pressure of a billion eyes watching me, I am free to actually live.

What I need, what we all need really, is a new pace. A slower, more deliberate way of living. An awareness of the buzz, the hustle, the impatience. A return to simpler times which were perhaps not so foolish after all.

It saddens me to think that some of the old, slower ways of doing things will soon be lost due to our impatience.

I hope my kids get to experience the joy of opening up their mailbox and finding a package waiting for them.

I hope they get the chance to trawl around a hundred different shops looking for the perfect gift rather than sitting at home filling up their online shopping cart.

I hope they will know the feeling of the worn-out pages of a much-loved paperback.

I hope they will take delight in digging up carrots from their own garden rather than reaching for plastic wrapped, pre-washed vegetables in the supermarket.

There is something to be said for the ease and convenience of our everyday lives, but still I hope that my children will make time for a little inconvenience.

Because I have found that the best conversations happen when we’ve both left our phones in our purses. The most pleasure I’ve taken from a kind note was one written out by hand and delivered to me personally. The best lemon muffin recipe I have ever found was shared with me by a friend of a friend.

Being present is recognizing that the here and now moments are what matter the most.

It’s fighting the urge to move on to the next thing while you are still doing the first. It’s saying grace before a meal, giving thanks for the one who prepared it. It’s noticing the colours of the leaves as you are walking to work. It’s falling asleep to the gentle hum of crickets outside your bedroom window.

Being present is choosing to let go of the past and refusing to be afraid of the future.

So here’s to slowing down, finding moments of solitude in a distraction-filled world and doing our very best to enjoy the here and now.

There is not a whole lot in our lives that we have control over but this one thing is ours to protect. We have the choice every day to fall in love with life.

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In Living intentionally

That familiar feeling of a changing season

There is no season where change is as tangible as autumn.

In autumn, change flashes in brilliant reds, oranges and browns. It cascades to the ground and swirls in the wind. Change catches your foggy breath on the cool mornings and blazes across the late afternoon sky.

All of nature sings its’ song, a maudlin melody, a solemn symphony.

I have an autumnal heart. Fiery and passionate, wild and chaotic.

This season will always be my favourite. The cooling down from the hot, sticky summer and the gentle easing into the deep chill of winter. The feeling of wrapping up in layers and bracing yourself to be met at the door by a brisk wind. The scent of rain on the pavement and damp foliage on the driveway.

In autumn, the leaves take turns changing into brilliant colours and falling slowly to carpet the ground.

What once was bright and alive, dies off to make space for the new.

As I’m watching the trees glorious transition I see pieces of myself turning the same golden hues. Right here and now I am evolving, Shedding my old self and becoming something new.

This process requires making peace with the past.

That girl I was three years ago sitting in that first lecture feeling overwhelmed by the flurry of information that had just been dumped on me. The girl who shyly hid away in her dorm room all year, only making an appearance at mealtimes. That girl who was ashamed of herself, unsure of herself, afraid of herself.

That girl was me and still is me.

I hold her close to my chest. I keep her near to my heart. I love her because she reminds me that as people we evolve.

And we need change in order to do that. Pearls need to be rubbed around in that oyster shell. Diamonds need to be squeezed depth beneath the earth. Butterflies need to force their way out of their chrysalises.

So I’m not embarrassed of the girl I was. I’m so very proud. She did the best she could with what she had. And for that I am grateful.

This is how I am letting go, by extending kindness to the pieces of myself that I might not be most proud of.

And it seems my life once again is swirling with change.

I hoped that by the time my graduation ceremony came around I would have clarity about my future. I thought I may have a full time job or at least an inkling of my next steps, but instead, I find myself slipping back into unemployment and uncertainty.

Here I am again, with a door closing behind me and nothing on the other side.

And it makes me wonder, do the trees know for certain that summer will return again? Are they sure that the winter will end and they will have the strength to sprout new leaves and shoots?

It seems to me that they just fall.

They just let go. They just keep moving forwards and we have to as well. Regardless of what lies ahead, that’s the only way we can trek.

These seasons of change, these major life transitions often catch us off guard. They can make us feel as though the rug has been ripped out from under us. And it is these moments more than ever that we find our faith being tested.

This is the place where the rubber meets the road.

It’s foreign and yet somehow familiar. I’ve been here before. I know the signs of a changing season. I’m still afraid.

But what I’ve learnt is that there is wonder in the waiting. That lonely place of unknown is beautiful because it places us dependent on God to meet all of our needs. It strengthens and grows a faith that actually means something.

A faith based on real events rather than flaky opinions and secondhand beliefs.

That’s the kind of faith I want. Deeply rooted in truth. Completely receptive to change.

So this time around I’m taking my cues from the deciduous trees. I’m flinging myself headfirst into the unknown. I’m leaping forwards because it’s all I know to do.

This is how I am moving on.

I won’t be wallowing, moping or feeling sorry for myself. You will not catch me succumbing to the crippling anxiety again.

This time I’m just going to fall.

Because I know now that clarity requires movement. We can’t just sit around hoping for writing in the sky or neon signs to flash the answer. We have to just start walking, and as we do, we find out where we are going.

It’s one of those crazy upside kingdom rules. We step out first and then the faith comes. We jump and then we’ll find where to place our feet.

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you are standing still but looking back over your shoulder you’ll remember how you’ve been here before. You’ll see all the big ways and small ways that God was faithful to you.

Well I do at least. He brought summer before and I know He will do it again.

That’s the truth when everything is changing. You simply have to cling to the one who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

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In Living intentionally

Living in the now and the endless longing for the not yet

Blonde curls bounce as she runs. Squealing she dashes through the park. Little toddler legs scooting as fast as they can. A flash of pink. A blur of joy.

She zigs and zags through the clusters of people. Early-morning dog walkers and men on bicycles with neon vests. She is unaware of the scene she is causing, she is focused on getting away before her father catches up to her.

And he’s getting closer. Thundering with big, lanky strides behind her. She makes several narrow escapes and then finally he reaches out and sweeps her effortlessly into his arms.

They swing around together. This mass of pink frills and blue checks. The sweetest sight.

My heart feels like it might burst.

I’m surprised by the physical ache. This little, hollow gap which signifies an unfulfilled dream. A longing that lies dormant, bubbling deep beneath the surface. Knocking the wind out of me when I least expect it.

I think that’s the way dreams tend to be. They aren’t always obvious right from the start. We don’t all grow up with the knowledge of who we are or what we want to be.

For some of us our dreams take a long time to wiggle their way to the surface. It’s a slow process but eventually these deep desires begin to bloom and once they do…we are never really the same.

Once we know the ache, we wrestle with discontentment.

Once we’ve found something to pursue, we cannot sit still.

I’ve always been a writer but I didn’t believe it. I’ve always been someone’s partner but I just haven’t found them. I’ve always been a mother but I don’t have a kid yet.

And now I know what they are, I’m so eager to reach out and snatch up each of these dreams.

But I’m grasping at thin air. With every prayer the answer comes back clear. Not now, not yet.

My faith gets a little shaky and my heart gets a little heavy. God, If you created me with these desires why are you keeping them from me?

Because timing is everything.

The last thing I want to do is be patronizing because I know how this feels.

I understand the lonely road you are travelling. I see the tears that slip down your cheeks when you think nobody is watching. I know that heavy weight of expectation which rests on your shoulders making you see every day in monochrome instead of technicolour.

In these times I have come to recognize that the sweetest gift a person can give is empathy. Not your condescending, sympathetic advice or your most well-meaning inspirational quote.

The kindest medicine for a heart in longing is to simply acknowledge its’ suffering.

To come alongside me, rest your head on my shoulder, to take my hand in yours and let me know that you understand.

I recognize that this wrestle with contentment is not one I will win by force. I cannot take what I feel is rightfully mine. I must be patient.

Resting in the now and respecting the not yet.

All of us are searching for our missing pieces, scrambling around to slot the edges together, trying to make sense of this jigsaw puzzle. Our hearts hammer as we fit together more and more, the picture becoming clearer and clearer.

But this feeling is bittersweet. The more pieces we add, the less we have remaining, like sand slipping through an hourglass.

We have to take the time to observe each section, marveling at the intricate details, delighting in the infuriating complexities.

I understand now that this time is precious. All I have is now. So while I’m dreaming, hoping and longing for more, I’m watching my life slipping through that hourglass…drip…drip…drip.

If I’m not careful my twenties will have passed me by and I’ll have nothing but bitter regret to show for it.

So this lesson is absolutely necessary for us to learn. All of us. Because I know you feel it too. You want to skip to the next chapter, get to the good bits.

You want to be at the top of the corporate ladder, you want the wedding band on your finger, you want the stamps in your passport.

Who of us are really content? Who of us are perfectly happy living in the now? Who of us haven’t thought of the not yet?

I think the longing will always be there. God in His infinite wisdom created me this way. A big gaping heart, eager for love, belonging, family. The feeling isn’t packing up it’s bags and shipping out any time soon. But when I look around I can see all the ways he has provided for me in this place.

My daily bread is texts from my mum, hugs from my flatmate, coffee with my cousin, cuddling my pastor’s baby, playing soccer with the neighbour’s kids, sitting side by side with friends at church.

It’s not the feast I want, but it’s the food I desperately need. The nutrients that will sustain me.

That’s the way grace is, always sufficient to meet us where we are. If He is saying not now, not yet, then I have to trust that He knows what’s best for me.

I keep my hands outstretched with abandon, giving thanks for his faithfulness thus far and eagerly anticipating his goodness in the future.

I’m learning the art of patience.

Because what they say is true…good things take time.

The best things happen when we aren’t looking for them.

And it’s not always about arriving at your destination, it’s the journey that actually counts.

So in those moments of frustration, I’m learning to laugh.

In the midst of disappointment, I’m learning to dance.

This is the beauty of life…the tension between the now and the not yet.

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