control Archives - Megan Hallier

When broken people try to build relationships

I’ve been thinking recently about the cost of relationships.

Being in a relationship, be it romantic, friendly, forced by blood relation or other, is costly. People come into our lives and leave muddy footprints all over them.

Relationships require so much patience, compassion and forgiveness. Sometimes it feels too hard. Too costly. Too much to ask.

For example, I like to take good care of my things. I place a great deal of value in my possessions and so I tend to treat all of them with my utmost respect.

However, I am learning that other people do not take the same precautions with their own possessions nor those of anyone else for that matter.

I came to realize this the hard way in my first flatting experience.

Somehow I ended up flatting with three loud, rambunctious, messy boys.

I never thought I would flat with boys at all, let alone three at once, but God has such a great sense of humour that way.

So I would often find myself stumbling into wrestling matches on the living room floor, piggy-back rides in the kitchen and tea box tower construction in the pantry.

And as you can imagine, such chaos often left casualties. Fortunately, nay miraculously, none of us were ever harmed, but the same cannot be said for our flat, furniture and crockery.

Cups were chipped, once white tea towels became grey and splotchy, spatulas were singed on hot frying pans and beautiful china bowls were cracked irreparably.

There was this one bowl I was particularly fond of because it was on the clearance shelf at the kitchenware store.

It was white with this delicate turquoise pattern etched all around it. I fell in love the minute I laid eyes on this bowl and I knew I had to buy it.

If I had a china cabinet I would have kept it nicely tucked away in there because it was almost too beautiful to be used.

One day I came home and found my precious bowl with a big, ugly chip in its rim.

And not only that, but inching from the chip right through the middle of the bowl was a hairline crack which I knew spelled disaster.

It broke my heart.

I knew I shouldn’t have trusted those careless boys with my beautiful bowl. This is why we can’t have nice things. Because people are sloppy and careless and incredibly clumsy.

If we let them use our fine china it will get chipped, it’s only a matter of time.

I stormed around the flat for a little bit and muttered to myself about how careless boys are and how I should teach them a lesson about breaking other peoples precious belongings.

And I was getting all puffed up and ready to fight until I realized how melodramatic and absurd I was being.

It was a bowl for goodness sake. It was no antique, it wasn’t a heirloom, it wasn’t given to me by someone very special.

It probably cost less than 15 dollars. It had no sentimental or monetary value and yet I felt so outraged that someone had broken something that belonged to me.

It’s a joy to have nice things. It just makes sense that you would look after the things which you have spent your hard earned money on.

But it becomes a problem when we value our things more than people.

So this brings me back to the cost of relationships. The fact that sharing my life, my home and my space with other people means that things won’t ever be the same.

They’ll leave their fingerprints all over my wineglasses. Their problems cluttering up my quiet Friday evening. Their brokenness chipping a hairline crack of disappointment and hurt throughout the smooth crockery of our relationship.

But I don’t want to be the kind of person who is so caught up in bubble-wrapping her china bowls that she misses out on communing with friends.

I don’t want to become obsessed with collecting things that I lose the chance to build a community that depends on sharing.

Too often I think we let our pride, our egos and our desire for perfection to get in the way of real connection. True intimacy. Deep relationship.

But I want to learn how to let people in.

I want to love others. I want to drink from chipped cups and wear my best friends socks and lend someone my sweater when it gets cold.

I want to trade lemons from your tree for basil from my garden. I want to swap chocolate chip cookie recipes and your mom’s famous potato salad recipe.

I want to be the kind of person who values people, not things.

And that isn’t an easy thing for me to do. Because people with my personality type tend to want to keep things to them self. We so badly want to be different, unique and important and it can feel like allowing people to see all of us will spoil that.

I’m deeply afraid that someone will copy me and then I won’t be so special anymore.

But I’m learning that this is one of the costs of relationships. The fact that someone might copy us or abandon us or hurt us in ways we never saw coming.

It is so messy and risky and completely gut-wrenching at times, but it is what we were made for after all.

To love and be loved. To share and be seen. To lean on and lead on one another.

So come on over and use my best china because life is for living, not just for looking at.

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In Living intentionally

Letting go of control and making peace with uncertainty

There is a place for everything

and everything should be in its place.

Dinner comes before dessert.

Drinks served before dinner.

Jumpers should be folded.

Shirts should be hung.

Socks must be matching.

Shoes lined up beside the door.

Switches should be off when not in use.

Curtains should be drawn after the sun sets.

I find peace in rules and order.

I find rest in the harmony of precision.

There is no clutter I cannot tidy up.

No chaos I cannot return to calm.

But my rules they are a prison.

I am chained to them in fear.

Because I hate what is uncertain.

And I hide from what is not clear.

One of the most infuriating realities to stumble upon is a reminder of our lack of control.

We merrily amble through life, foolishly believing that we hold all of the keys to our future and we are in charge. But every now and then this fantasy is disrupted by an unfortunate event which leaves us teetering on our tiptoes.

With just a single phone call, a simple conversation, an unexpected, interruptance to our day we find ourselves very much in circumstances out of our control and it is utterly unnerving.

I find it particularly distressing as I am a grade A, run-of-the-mill, control freak.

I crave order, productivity and common sense. I am highly strung and up tight as they come. I need plans and certainty and I don’t work well if boundaries and guidelines aren’t clear.

I hate that off-kilter feeling that comes with wading into the unknown.

It has been a slow process but I am finally discovering how to let go of control and make peace with uncertainty.

I am learning how to delegate.

Because I can’t take responsibility for everything, I simply do not have the time nor energy. I know now that I really do need help and asking for it really isn’t as difficult as I once thought.

And when I do pass on the baton to someone else I am trying my best to release my grip completely. Forgoing the temptation to demand the task be done MY WAY.

So what if the potato wedges are cut thicker than I would have done them? Who cares if the laundry detergent is orange blossom scented instead of lavender?

I can see how silly it is to get caught up in the nitty-gritty details of life when the help I receive is worth so much more than the perfection I seek.

I am learning to be less possessive of the things that I own.

To share what I have with a generous spirit and to bite my tongue rather than remind the person to take great care with whatever it is that I loan them.

And when something breaks as it inevitably does, I am learning the art of shrugging my shoulders and saying, ‘oh well, it’s okay. Mistakes happen.’

Because things are not what are most important…people are.

I am learning how to go with the flow.

To appreciate that not everything need be done in a rush. Not every hour need be productive. Not every task need be completed today, THIS VERY MINUTE OR ELSE.

Taking the time to appreciate my coffee instead of gulping it down. Being flexible when people change plans. Accepting apologies and extending grace. These things are a sign of maturity.

See, I am learning to let go of control.

I am un-clenching my fists and extending open palms.

I am making peace with uncertainty.

Art and creativity have been healing for me.

There is nothing safe or certain when it comes to art. We often start creating without a plan or picture of where we are heading. The pieces fall into place as our paintbrushes strike the canvas and our fingers stroke the keys.

Perhaps this is why creating feels so risky to me. Every time I am breaking myself open and waiting to see what spills out.

It’s daunting even without an audience, but with a thousand eyes on me the feeling can be described as nothing short of terrifying.

Writing is painful in ways I cannot even express but it has cured me of my need for control.

Because as a writer I sometimes feel that I am under a spell. I am simply a messenger and how and when the words choose to come forth are not up to me.

There are days when I would love to publish something but try as I might, I cannot write a single word. And then almost arbitrarily there are days where I wake up before the sun and I’ve got so many ideas my fingers can hardly type them up fast enough.

So I have learnt that pressuring myself to write is no use. It’s as fruitless as trying to push toothpaste back into a tube once it has all been squeezed out.

Within all of us there is this pull to take control. A natural instinct that beckons us to bow to fear and wrestle for the reins.

But evolution calls for adaptability. There is no space for inflexibility.

To keep moving forwards we must let go of the monkey bars behind us. We must swing forward, stretch out a hand and hope with all of our hearts that someone thought to build another bar after the last.

It seems absurd and careless at times but in truth, abandoning the need for control is the most freeing feeling in the world.

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